Why You’re Probably Already Polyamorous (Even If You Don’t Know It)

Suppose you’re in a serious, long-term monogamous relationship. One day, your partner comes to you and says: “I have been finding myself irresistibly attracted to other people. I’ve tried just getting over it but it hasn’t worked. This has left me feeling unhappy and unfulfilled. I still love you and remain committed to our relationship. Can we discuss options for alleviating my situation while still staying together? I am open to anything, and let’s talk, but I hope you will at least consider an option that involves my seeing other people in some form because I doubt that anything less will make me feel okay. In turn, I will consider anything that you might need to make that workable for you.”

How do you respond? As I see it, you have two broad options:

A: say ‘absolutely not, no chance in hell, if you require this to even be an option, then I’m out’; or

B: say ‘let’s look at our options’.

B can have a number of different flavors. It can be something like, ‘yes, of course, if you really feel that way, let’s consider our options’. Or it can be something more like ‘I really don’t like this and doubt that it can work; what’s more, I have some non-negotiables; but, okay, let’s talk and see what we can work out’. One is more open than another, but both fall into category B.

If you can honestly say that your answer would be of form B, you’re already in a polyamorous relationship.

Continue Reading →

Thank You, Smashblart

Smashblart is a dude who recently had sex with my wife.

To answer your first question, no, that is not his real name. Apparently, giving real names is bad form when talking about people’s sex lives. So I had to come up with a fake one. And, hey, if you’re gonna have sex with my wife, I’m sorry, but you’re getting a silly name. His real name is one of the following: Tom, Bob, John, Kenny, Ryan, Peter, James, Max, Ted, Dan, Ray, Nathan, Mike, Fred, or Wolfgang.

It’s not Wolfgang. His real name is boring.

(Aside: I’m using my wife’s real name: Natasha. I asked her if I should create a fake one to use in this post, and she said no. Kinda disappointing, I was really looking forward to coming up with one.)

As to your second question: Natasha and I are in a polyamorous marriage. We are each other’s primaries – meaning that we are committed to each other, and are each other’s “main” lover – but we’re okay with sleeping with other people. If you somehow didn’t get this memo, this is a thing. People do it.

For a long time, Natasha and I were polyamorous in name only. Really, we were polyamorous because I have a weird obsession with freedom and she was willing to play along to keep the peace. I didn’t seem to have any real interest in actually pursuing other people anyway, so why not?

Fast forward to about 3:00am the night of the 2016 presidential election.…

Continue Reading →